Meet Gordon

The Cuban Rock Iguana

Gordon is a Cuban Rock Iguana and the undisputed monarch of the shop—crown optional, swagger mandatory. This man communicates exclusively in body language, and trust us: he has mastered the art. That signature head bob? The one that looks like he’s hitting you with a casual “wassup”? Yeah, that’s actually his way of reminding everyone within a five-mile radius that he runs this establishment.

And honestly? He’s right.

Gordon strolls around with the confidence of a celebrity who just spotted a camera. He’s handsome, he knows it, and he weaponizes it. Customers walk in for reptiles, but they leave deeply emotionally attached to one very smug iguana. Those head bobs? Heart-stealers. The stuff of legend.

But for all his royal charisma, Gordon has the emotional resilience of a moody toddler. Put him back in his enclosure and he immediately sulks like you just canceled his birthday. The dramatics are unmatched. He’ll plant himself in a corner, give you the silent treatment, and radiate betrayal until you come back and apologize for having responsibilities.

And then there’s… the bodily functions.

Gordon has a very specific sense of humor: he likes to sneeze on people. Not out of malice—just because he thinks it’s funny. But the real magic trick happens the second you take him out of his enclosure. Like clockwork, like a biological prank wired into his DNA, he will pee or poop. On you if you’re lucky. On the floor if he’s feeling merciful. There is no escape. There is only acceptance.

Yet somehow, despite the sass, the ego, and the bodily chaos, Gordon remains impossibly lovable. He’s dramatic, he’s regal, he’s ridiculous, and he’s absolutely perfect.